Where to start? I‘m not sure where to begin. There is so much that I want to share. I have a strong desire to help others feel better and truly enjoy life. My inner urging to write is becoming louder and more persistent, taunting me like a ticking clock. I continue to stumble along my way through the myriad of avenues in which to reach others. I enjoy writing, but haven’t found the right technique—by hand, on my laptop, transcribing voice recordings—trying to find the path of least resistance, the one that flows easiest for me.
The only way to discover the easiest way is write daily, I have been given this advice many times, but as we all know, one has to find their way at the right time for them self.
I’m ready.
At first, I enthusiastically proclaimed I am going to do a daily blog! Then when imagining that time commitment, especially since I haven’t found the easiest flow for me, it began to feel like work and I don’t like that feeling, it simply has to be fun for me, because that never feels like work.
I enjoy making up the rules as I go along—or more accurately, I enjoy breaking the rules—I am more aligned to producing a weekly blog, allowing it to be more frequently, if it feels fun and playful.
I recently reconnected with a former classmate, now known as Jill Barrett. We grew up together attending the same Catholic School in a small town, Atchison, Kansas. Atchison is the type of place where everyone knows each other, if not personally, at least by reputation.
Jill and I were friendly to one another, but not what you would consider close friends. After the customary catching up and discussion about our upcoming 25th High School Reunion, (I know~shocking!) I shared with her one of those formidable childhood memories that involved her.
When we were in the 3rd or 4th grade, we were assigned oral presentations in Language Arts class. I remember during my presentation that it was obvious that the majority of the class was not paying any attention to what I was saying. After awhile, it began to really upset me and during my speech, I randomly asked, “How many people are listening to me right now?”
Jill was one of two people that raised their hands. I remember appreciating her for listening and judging the rest for being so rude. Of course, at the time, I had no idea that the class was projecting back to me what I most struggled with, listening to others.
Jill was humbled that I shared this memory with her. Then she shared her perception of me. ”I always liked you and found you fascinating, but intimidating. You were (still are, no doubt) always emanating such color and activity. You seemed so put together, and so protected by your sister…so “in the know” and in charge of your world.”
As I read her message, I began to understand that I became very proficient at hiding behind a mask at an early age. I adopted the “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality, I did my best to always show people the persona I longed to be—confident, capable and deserving—hiding my insecurities and unworthiness issues, silently suffering, as I had learned to hide my emotions.
I wonder if anyone else can relate?
Over the last few years, with a lot of “growth opportunities” and healing, I have become more aware and conscious of my insecurities and fears. Through awareness, things change. In my desire to be more authentic, I have discovered ways to compassionately share my emotions, rather than stuffing them inside, waiting to be acknowledged through a physical ailment.
I understand the importance of feeling good and I appreciate the joy I feel in my life, the majority of the time, but of course, there are times when life is not going according to plan. Even though it’s now easier for me to share my real self with others, I still have apprehension about openly sharing my doubts and insecurities. I believe that I am finding ways to become more comfortable in embracing, and sharing all aspects of life. My hope is that others will find the courage to express their true self more fully as well.
I am excited to see where this journey takes us. Enjoy!
I finished writing, opened up a browser to go to my website to post and Abraham’s Daily Message popped up (I have my home page set to this, so I don’t see negativity each time I get on the Internet)
“Let your dominant intent be to feel good which means be playful, have fun, laugh often, look for reasons to appreciate and practice the art of appreciation. And as you practice it, the Universe, who has been watching you practice, will give you constant opportunities to express it. So that your life just gets better and better and better.”
— Abraham
Excerpted from the workshop in Atlanta, GA on Saturday, September 13th, 1997